My Inner Child

Whilst I was healing my inner child I was losing my Mum to Dementia. As her mind slowly deteriorated to the disease I would talk to her to try and find out details of the childhood I have no memory of. I wanted details of who I was as her child and I wanted proof that my wounded inner child was not my fault and that it was OK to heal and let go of the past.

Not Good Enough

For years I have wondered about my childhood and have held onto a heavy weight of believing that I am not good enough. My inner child believed that she would never excel at anything and needed others to succeed. To protect myself from this belief of abject failure I became a fiercely independent woman. With my independence I grew into an insecure adult who lacked trust in others and would not allow people to get close in case they validated me not being good enough.

Deeply rooted, I unconsciously believed that as I am not good enough no one would want to be friends with me so I did not pursue friendships. As a young adult I numbed the pain of the loneliness I created around myself through alcohol and other unhealthy habits. In moments of intoxication, I was able to be my real self and enjoy the here and now.

My False Self

In sobriety, I lived as my false self, which made me deeply unhappy. I hid my unhappiness even from myself by keeping busy with work and play, never leaving gaps of time long enough to really reflect and recognise that unhappiness was of my own making. My strong independence had built a fortified wall around me, which I created unconsciously to protect myself from being hurt, yet in truth it was holding in the unhappiness and creating the loneliness. Thankfully a few dear friends smashed the wall down and found the real me inside and they are still dear friends today.

Healing my wounded Inner Child

Through counselling I was healing my inner child and at times whilst processing the past it felt like it was all Mums’ fault and I wanted her to substantiate this with facts but as her memory was gone it was not possible and I am so grateful for this because now my inner child is healed I know it was not her fault. My Mum loved me and did the best job she could. Her Mum was an alcoholic. My counsellor walked alongside me as I healed my inner child. She was amazing and now as a counsellor myself I walk along side others as they heal. The power of talking therapy cannot be under estimated.

Reading John Bradshaw’s book ‘Home Coming – Reclaiming & championing your inner child’, he quotes Harvey Jackins, which really rings true:

The person … in the grip of an old distress says things
that are not pertinent, does things that don’t work, fails
to cope with the situation, and endures terrible feelings
that have nothing to do with the present.
– Harvey Jackins

This is true of Mum. Today I am an adult living with a healed inner child and I am happy, not lonely and accept the past for what and where it is and embrace the present day. Life is a wonderful journey of many meandering paths all of which I follow with optimism, curiosity and my eyes wide open. How is your inner child?

Written by Caroline at Caroline Ellison Counselling – this is my experience and these are my opinions. Carpe Diem.