The tug of war with dementia

The grey hair sprouts
The bottom lip pouts
Sadness lingers
I’m typing with my fingers
To get this feeling out!
~ Caroline Ellison (not a poet!)

Sadness Creeping in

The tug of war with dementia is cruel, profound, deeply moving and today has been tough! This weekend I went to see Mum and Dad to help Dad sort through Mums clothes and other bits and pieces. The process was fun as Dad and I rummaged through old clothes which bought back memories and conversations, many starting with “Oh I remember this …” The cardigans, dresses, shoes, hats and trinkets all have a story behind them! I held up one of Mums dresses and remembered it was from our last shopping trip together. This is when the sadness started to creep in.

Wrapped up Memories

Memories all wrapped up in things and in our minds and hearts, all of us but Mum! Whilst we were sorting upstairs Mum was happily having an incoherent conversation with her reflection in the glass. She is happy and contented and as healthy as she can be but her mind has been ravaged for nearly 10 years by dementia! My inner child is screaming “I hate you dementia” and my adult is feeling sad!

The Wedding Vale

During our rummage we came across Mum’s wedding dress and vale. I held up the wedding vale and looked at Dad’s face which was filled with a joyous memory as he pointed to their wedding photograph still sitting proud on Mums abandoned dressing table. Together, Dad and I carefully put the 56 year old wedding vale away. I held back the tumultuous sadness deep in me as it did not feel OK to project it onto Dad who stoically and lovingly cares for his wife who he misses so very, very much!

Abandoned Child

Later, I sat with Mum and hummed a silly tune, smiled with her and chatted about nothing in particular, I followed the flow of her incoherent words. I then said:

“We found your wedding dress, it is beautiful!” she smiled from ear to ear and said:

“How lovely”.

For a moment we had a dialogue, just 2 sentences but I will take it! Shortly after this I was leaving to come back home and as I said goodbye to Mum she looked at me and then looked down with a face of sadness. She looked like a child who was being abandoned. I kissed her head again, held her hand and Dad who had also seen her reaction said “She is sad you are leaving.” He took her hand and reassured Mum who still looked like a small sad, abandoned child! I have not seen her respond like this for years and it really broke my heart. I miss her.

Living Grief

I left, drove down the drive and before starting my journey stopped to wipe the tears from my eyes. Those moments with Mum which I experienced as cognisant, triggered my living grief of losing Mum deeply. I have not felt this way for sometime but I did today.

If you are living with, caring for or have a loved one you are losing to dementia living grief is our bed fellow in this journey. My method for coping with it is writing it down which helps me organise my thoughts into spaces where I can manage them. I allow the tears to fall and the wave of emotion to crash into my heart as it is OK to feel the sadness. If you are struggling reach out and talk to someone, a friend, a loved one, a pet – they are great listeners – or a professional. Look after you.

Take lots of care.

Written by your local counsellor in Fleet, Caroline at Caroline Ellison Counselling – this is my experience and these are my opinions. Carpe Diem.

Alzheimer’s and Dementia support

If you an Alzheimer’s and Dementia carer, you are not alone, there are many people who are here to support you. There are helplines and support groups who will offer support, follow the link below for information on support for Alzheimer’s and Dementia – https://www.carolineellisoncounselling.co.uk/alzheimers-and-dementia-counselling/